


Love Is A Dangerous Drugs

by paleiero



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alcohol, Alternative Universe - 1970's, Character Death, Drugs, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, idek, um this is sad idk why i wrote it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-12 08:25:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9064102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paleiero/pseuds/paleiero
Summary: Ryan Ross just wants everyone to love him, no matter what.





	1. Chapter 1

"Ryan Ross was my best friend. he was an amazing musician and found inspiration in everything. just watching him write and create was mesmerizing. i miss him." -1980 Brendon Urie to Heart Magazine 

"he needed to be loved by many just to feel loved. Ryan thought that the world was against him, so he tried to beat that. turn himself into an amazing person and tried to be loved by everyone. he had his type, but at the same time he didn't have a type." -1979 Brendon Urie to Cream Maganize 

"it didn't matter what you really looked like, he didn't care about hair color, or body shape, or skin color. But he did like big lips, a deep cupid's bow and doe eyes. sad and dreamy." -1982 Brendon Urie to Lilly Hence Journal Company 

"Ryan grew up in a terrible family. his mother drank and then left when he was 10 and his father would abuse the living shit out of him. He would tell me on a drunken whim that his uncles used to rape him and he was so afraid to tell anyone because he thought his father would beat him. so before he died he would find love in everything he could. it didn't just have to be sex though. if a fan give him a rose he would keep the rose until it turned to dust. he kept every letter that everyone wrote him. he would play acoustic sets for a small group of people and sit with them. when they sang his songs back to him he would smile. he really just wanted to be loved." -1979 (right after the death of Ryan Ross) Brendon Urie to Rolling Stone


	2. 0.1

the first time he wrote a song about a girl he loved was in his second album. that album was full of people he loved. he wrote about a girl name Keltie. She was 18 and he was 21 when he wrote it. She appeared in his life at a hard time. I was there when he threw a full wine bottle at the wall of the hotel room and then walked out. i sat on the balcony and watched him storm through the parking lot and onto the beach. it had been one of our last shows on the our for the first album and the last stop was california. 

i sat on the balcony and watched the sun set. smoked the last weed we had and propped my feet up on the railing. I was about to pass out and didn't even notice Ryan was coming back until he rushed into the room. i nearly fell off my chair and watching gather up his guitar stuff a pencil behind his ear and grab a stack of paper. 

"What the hell, Ryan?" i said to him, still leaning in the doorway to the balcony. 

"Can't talk, i have to go back to her." he said. 

"what? what are you talking about?!" i asked. 

"her, Bren!" 

"who?!" i stepped closer to him. 

"My soulmate!" he shouted at me and then stored out of the room. 

I was left standing in the middle of the hotel room, the door wide open and wine still dripping down the wall and on to the carpet. 

*** 

another he wrote about was Jac. She was the one of the sweetest things you'd even met. in the beginning of his explorational love they lasted a lot longer then in the later years. Jac was the longest lasting one i knew. and before i became Ryan's best friend he was too scared and awkward around love to go for anything like this. Jac went everywhere with us. she would come to meetings and dinners and all these kinds of small social events we had. anyone could love her. 

Ryan wrote a couple of songs about her, some drafts and songs that never got on the album. he would write about her traits. the way her tore at the corners of papers and notebooks, or how she always was touching her face and wiping around her mouth. the way she walked with her legs dipping slightly. the kinds of colors she wore and which ones she looked best in. 

Ryan was in her life when her father died. Ryan wrote about her tears and the way her lip quivered. he never really cared. he only liked how human she was and never helped her get back to her happy self. i was the one rubbing her back when she threw up the alcohol she drank to forget about her sadness. 

i ended up scolding him for not caring and the. next day he broke up with her. sending her off with one last breath taking kiss while i sat and smoked, looking over what he wrote.


	3. Chapter 3

"could you please elaborate on Ryan and his family life as a child?" 

uh, yeah sure can. let's see, Ryan Ross, born as George Ryan Ross iii in Las Vegas in a suburban neighborhood that had a night watch and monthly barbecues, you know the nice upper middle class neighborhoods. Ryan lived in a large house, farther away from all the others, kind of tucked back into a field. i had been to his house once or twice before he moved off to new york. 

Ryan would cry late into the night when we were hotel hopping before we found an apartment. i would sit across from him when he was all tucked under the covers and he would sob about his life. and i know that might sound dramatic but it was god awful. 

his family was all close so they would visit a lot. when Ryan was little he liked hanging around his family and doing terrible performances for them on the toy piano he had. though he would tell me that after everyone went to bed his uncles would... you know, uh 'take advantage' of him. he would try to pretend he was asleep but after they left he was too afraid to even say anything. 

on top of that his father would beat him. not in front of the family or anything, maybe a couple spankings for simple things, but everyone got that when they were little. without anyone there his father would beat him for every little thing and with anything he could find when we were around 18, Ryan showed me a couple scars he has lashed across his back from his father whipping him with the metal coat hanger. 

and on top of all of this, his mother had left him. she was a good women, i had never met her though only heard stories. I heard that Ryan never knew she had depression when he was born, not until he moved out and got in contact with his grandmother and such. she was basically a vegetable in his life. she would drink herself to sleep and whenever she was awake around him she couldn't stand it because she was so hungover. so when he was 10 she packed a suitcase and moved out. he sobbed so hard, He told me, and his in the back of his mothers closet for hours. He later found out that she had passed away about three years after, right before i met him. 

i cried with him a couple times. When Ryan was 14 he tried to run away for the first time. his feet couldn't carry him far enough and by the time he made it to the highway his fathers truck pulled over next to him and he was ripped into the car. 

the second time he 'run away' was when we were 18. he had been talking about leaving for new york for a couple of months and i had finally convinced my mom to let me get an old car and let us move out. so the night i park two doors down and waited for him to climb out his window and sneak across the yard with only a backpack of clothes and his guitar. it was one of the sweetest or cheesiest things i'd seen. like out of a movie or something, but it's still one of the best memories i have of him. sorry... i'm still a bit emotional. 

"no it's fine. would you like a tissue?"

no that's okay thank you though. after we drove our way to new york, Ryan was just so happy to get out of his god awful home and be able to try and pursue his dream of being a musician. and that's what he did. just wish i could've lasted a bit longer.


	4. Chapter 4

before he started writing about his loves, he wrote about his childhood and how he grew up. wrote about when he first learned guitar and how he learned to play piano from the woman that lived above us in our first apartment.

i think that was the first time he felt loved by someone for a short time. he and i would listen to the woman play and Ryan always ranted about wanting to be able to play like her. so one day he took the stairs up to the floor above us and found her apartment. When he knocked on the door and told the old woman his wish of playing the piano, she was overly happy to help him. 

he wrote a song called, "Wooden Coffin" though i don't think anyone realized that the song was about the death of his piano teacher, it was. the lady was old, she had arthritis in her knuckles so it hurt to play, but she still did it. she taught Ryan all he could possibly know. and the older she got, the sicker she got. Soon enough Ryan would be going over to her house every day, not to learn but to help the woman out of her bed, make her tea, set in on the couch and play her tunes all afternoon. i had been to the woman's apartment once or twice. 

The day she died was the hardest day. i think Ryan had seen it coming, the women was growing so weak she didn't even want to leave her bed, or drink her tea. Ryan asked me to come with him, it was October 21st and i remembered following him quietly up the stairs and then into the apartment. 

he called out her name and after he didn't get a response he knew it was over. We didn't really know what to do. so we called 911 and watched them carry her down the hallway. Ryan refused to leave to apartment and played the piano so roughly that he most've broken something it in, because it didn't sound normal when we left that evening.  

"Wooden Coffin" was his most heart breaking songs, it was the first time after being loved so quickly that he felt like love has forsaken him again. The piano in the song was so deep and heartfelt that i hurts my chest just to think of it. "Wooden Coffin" was about an old woman living out the rest of her days playing piano, and dreaming about one day being able to be buried in one because she loved it so much.

**Author's Note:**

> don't worry it gets worse 
> 
> also sorry if there are random name changes it wasn't a ryden fic at first


End file.
